Currently Listening The Invisible Band By Travis Flowers in the Window see related

I love you so/You are one in a million. . .

Wow look at you now
Flowers in the window
It's such a lovely day
And I'm glad you feel the same
Cause to stand up, out in the crowd
You are one in a million
And I love you so
Let's watch the flowers grow

There is no reason to feel bad
But there are many seasons to feel glad, sad, mad
It's just a bunch of feelings that we have to hold
But I am here to help you with the load

Wow look at you now
Flowers in the window
It's such a lovely day
And I'm glad you feel the same
Cause to stand up, out in the crowd
You are one in a million
And I love you so
Let's watch the flowers grow

So now we're here and now is fine
So far away from there and there is time, time, time
To plant new seeds and watch them grow
So there'll be flowers in the window when we go

Wow look at us now
Flowers in the window
It's such a lovely day
And I'm glad you feel the same
Cause to stand up, out out in the crowd
You are one in a million,
And I love you so
Let's watch the flowers grow
Wow look at you now
Flowers in the window
It's such a lovely day
And I'm glad you feel the same
Cause to stand up, out in the crowd
You are one in a million
And I love you so
Let's watch the flowers grow
Let's watch the flowers grow

**********************************************************

It's been a beautiful day, gorgeous. Right temperature, right feeling, right everything. I haven't always made the right choices in the past few weeks, but I still am confident that I'm on the road to recovery. . .whatever I'm recovering from that is. I'm still not quite sure. Incompetance? Ignorance? Frustration? Confusion? I really don't know, but at least I'm trying to find out instead of denying it even exists.

This song really makes me happy. The song just fills my soul with this unexplainable gladness, even on my worst days. I think of the people I love so dearly, not even romantically. My friends, my Mum and Dad, my brother, everyone. It reminds me of the Beatles actually, who are one of the GREATS, so that's a good sign.

Life is as good as it can be right now. Several nights ago I got positively trashed with some mates and cried about some things, nothing hugely serious. Just regrets I have. Again, at least I feel regret. That's a step.

Sarah is doing her thing, rocking everyone's arses off. Everyone she meets just loves her. She's just my delightful golden girl. We've talked a couple times in the past couple weeks and they were good talks. We're getting back to being friends, we're close anyway. We can laugh about the stupidity of some of the things we've done and can talk seriously about the really messed up things we've done. I'm still not clear what she and Jordie are necessarily, but that's alright. Jordan and I are still somewhat on the mend, which is better than nothing. He's definitely one of my heroes, bar none.

Gilly is well. She's coping. She really would like us to be closer and one of the times I got trashed, I accidentally went a little too far and kissed her. . .several times. It was really hard to try to reinforce our rule afterwards. Needless to say she didn't talk to me much for a couple days. I understand that and I apologized.

Work is going well, delightful as always, with the best people a man could ask for to work with. I hope this lasts a long time. Right now, I'm thoroughly satisfied with this stretch of my life. I realize it won't last. That's just unrealistic. But I'm willing to just go with the flow and love every second of it. That's the best mode of thinking I've had in years. Wonderful.

And you, mates. I hope life is going well with you. Drop me a note to let me know how you are and I'll try to get back to you as soon as I can.

Love you all,

Merry

Currently Listening Out of the Vein By Third Eye Blind Blinded (When I See You) see related

Blinded . . . but not Fooled.

Just an old friend coming over
Now to visit you and
That's what I've become
I let myself in
Though I know I'm not supposed to but
I never know when I'm done
And I see you fogging up the mirror
Vapor around your body glistens in the shower
And I wanna stay right here
And go down on you for an hour
Or stay and let the day just fade away
In a wild dedication
Take the moment of hope
And let it run
Never look back
At all the damage we have done now
To each other
To each other
To each other

But when I see you
It's like I'm staring down the sun
And I'm blinded
There's nothing left to do
and still I see you

I never believe that things that they happen for a reason
And they never go as planned
I wanted to thank you for a vision that was lost that you returned
But you're past where you understand
Now her appetite is blown
Little else is known
'cept she's a little angry
Grabs a towel, looks away
The heat fades with the day
And I fall down on what to say
oh something clean, let me be clever
Hey oh well, whatever
But that's not what I mean
Where we're been has left us burnt still
I wont turn now from a fight
You know I'll never win

So when I see you
you know all the things I've done
and I am blinded
Like I'm staring down the sun
When I see you
When I see you
When I see you
It's like I'm staring down the sun

I'm Blinded!

Time it passes and it tells us what we're left with
We become the things we do
Me, I'm a fool spent from defiance, yeah you got me but
I didn't give up on you
Icarus is not a t-shirt or a swan song, no
he is born again and
It's not easy being me
When I can't promise I will mend
Or bend when you believe
That we are fixed now from our birth
And I've just fallen back to earth
Still you know I'll try again
Cause I believe that we are lucky
We are golden, we have stolen manners in the days when we were one

So when I see you
In spite of all that we've become
I'm still blinded
But I'm still staring down the sun
When I see you
I'm still staring down the sun
I'm still staring down the sun
Well I'm still staring down the sun
I'm blinded when I see you

~Third Eye Blind, "Blinded (When I See You)"

**********************************************************************************

Life is alright. Going well for the most part. Had a little bit of a scare a couple days ago, but all is well. I'm still single and sorting things out in my head. I think it's good for Gilly and I, though I know she's scared by it. I just don't think I can be honest and true to her if I've still got another girl in my head at intervals. When Sarah and I made that decision, she looked at me, shook her head and smiled.

"You've never done something like this for me. . .I'm very jealous."

All I could do was hug her.

It's true. I'm not exactly the best man when it comes to women. I love them, I cherish them, but I don't treat them well because I do love them SO much. . .Every woman is beautiful to me. That doesn't help me if I'm trying to be exclusive with ONE woman. I just need to sort this part out of me. This song is absolutely perfect for that very reason and I actually went headfirst into my boxes of cds looking for it specifically for this song. . . .sidenote, I REALLY need to organize my cds. They're getting out of control.

But seriously, this song very much relates to me at the moment. I'm somewhat in love with my ex, most likely out of familiarity and history, but I'm very much in love with another woman. I mean. . .it's awful and I feel horrible but I still have dreams about Sarah and I. Won't go into any details, but they're terribly vivid and real. . .and it's not just the sex. It's the little things, the little things that were just between us that just recreate themselves in my mind. I always feel awful afterwards.

Then there's the "Scare" I referenced. Gilly broke our "one call a week" deal to call me twice because she had to let me know something. She just wanted me to know that she wasn't pregnant. . . .yes. Silence on my end. She had been afraid for weeks that she was, but she'd just done the test and it was negative. She said that quickly, then hung up. Dear God, I could have been a FATHER. I'm fucked up enough as it is, the last thing I need is to fuck up a child. Doesn't mean I don't want to be a father. If Gilly was pregnant, I'd freak out momentarily, then be good with it. I love her, I'd love our child. I'm just not ready yet. . .but honestly, I don't think any man is ever "ready" to have a child until he has one. That's what my Da tells me.

Haven't talked to Sarah at all and I'm fine with that. She's doing a hell of a job haunting me in my dreams, I don't need to talk to her. That would just make things worse. However, I haven't talked to Jordan since I got back either and that worries me. I don't know what he's thinking or feeling and I don't know. . .I guess I'm just paranoid that I've jeapordized our friendship for the last time. I don't want to lose him. That I couldn't bear. We've been through so much together.

Well. . .first sort-of-week of singleness: okay. Not great, but okay.

Hopefully more updates later.

Currently Listening Palm Trees and Power Lines By Sugarcult Memory see related

Get back to the Disaster. . .

This may never start.
We could fall apart.
And I'd be your memory.
Lost your sense of fear.
Feelings insincere.
Can I be your memory?

So get back, back, back to where we lasted.
Just like I imagine.
I could never feel this way.
So get back, back, back to the disaster.
My heart's beating faster.
Holding on to feel the same.

This may never start.
I'll tear us apart.
Cannot be your enemy.
Losing half a year.
Waiting for you here
I'd be your anything.

So get back, back, back to where we lasted.
Just like I imagine.
I could never feel this way.
So get back, back, back to the disaster.
My heart's beating faster.
Holding on to feel the same.

~Sugarcult, "Memory"

**************************************************************************

I'd like to think that I'm doing a good job with myself, honestly. I'd like to think that I'm a good man, in fact, some part of me does believe that I'm a good man. I wouldn't have done the right thing in so many messed up situations. But then again, if I was really a good man, I wouldn't have gotten myself into those situations in the first place. I acknowledge that I'm not perfect and that I've made some fucked up choices. That's the first step isn't it?

I met with Sarah and Jordan like I said I would. We didn't talk about what I saw, we didn't talk about any of that. We just had coffee like old times. Don't get me wrong, it was hard, but in some respects it wasn't. After I loosened up a bit, I actually had a good time. It took her longer to relax though. She kept looking at me nervously. Jordan stared in his coffee for long periods at a time. I put on a happy smile and made jokes until they loosened up. . .that of course is my defense mechanism. Anyone who knows me could tell that. . .but I did such a good job, even Sarah couldn't tell. I had an amazing time. It was just like old times. And after a while, that awkward thump, skip, thump in my heart slowed down to nothing. I was impervious to her. I was okay with the fact that they were together. . .or in whatever sense they define it. I don't know, they didn't talk about it. All I know is that at the end of it, I decided to extend my stay for the rest of my break instead of going back home.

Probably wasn't the smartest move on my part.

Things were going well. We all relaxed together, watched movies, made each other laugh until pop went up our nose, it was a grand time. I felt comfortable with them for the first time since the "incident" happened. We were all friends again. They just happened to have a sexual relationship, which is their decision. Then before I left, things went a little wonky.

My last day, I went out to get coffee. When I came back, Jordie was gone and Sarah was sitting on the couch. I wasn't about to go to the airport without saying goodbye, so I sat next to her on the couch. It was all fine. We were chatting about old times about the good times and the bad. It was like we were friends again. . .that it was okay to be friends again. Then she kissed me.

My friends, I am ashamed to say I kissed her back, for a long time. But I didn't feel as much alive, free or at peace. For a split second, yes, but then it all went away. I stared at her and she stared back and we both knew it was over. We have a history. I'm not surprised it happened. I'm the stupid fuck who decided to stay. We talked it over, hugged and let it go at that. I waited till Jordan came home and I manned up and told him. He was quiet for a while, but when we told him our decision, he nodded and looked a little more at peace than he had. As I left, I knew he and Sarah would have some things to discuss, but I think it will work out.

At the airport, I called Gilly and told her we needed to take a break for a little while. I told her what happened. Ironically, she didn't want to take a break. She was afraid I wouldn't come back to her. I assured her that wasn't the case and she had nothing to worry about. "Sarah and I have decided to not see each other again." I told her. That was the decision and I'm strangely okay with that. I've got to move on. I've already started, but I need to be alone while I finish that journey. Gilly understood after a bit of crying and my reassuring her that I wasn't going anywhere.

I hung up and got on my plane and went home. Called Jordan when I got there, Gilly picked me up at the airport, kissed me and took me to my place and here I am.

I know that this entry is somewhat devoid of feeling, but trust me, it's just me being reflective and thinking about all that's happened. It's a lot to stomach, I know. Trust me, I have to deal with it. I do think I've grown up. Instead of whining and bitching on here and pleading for help, I took control of the situation and did the right thing, or at least I hope I've done the right thing.

Mates, I do believe your boy is growing up.

Currently Listening Dizzy up the Girl By The Goo Goo Dolls Hate This Place see related

Well. . .that was awkward.

Hullo mates,

Again, sorry for the disruption in posts. Yeah, this is a fairly old song, but definitely a classic. The whole album is just phenomenal. . .definitely one of my absolute favorites. Weeelll, let's see. Not much to catch you up on. Something just happened today that was, as the title says, rather awkward. What was this awkward situation, you may ask?

I saw Sarah.

Yeah. Now you know.

Handling some business in NYC and I decide to drop in on my  mate Jordan. Now, it wasn't really LIKE that. . .I didn' just decide at the drop of a hat to go see him. I had to think of it damn long and hard before I actually got up the balls to visit. Of course, like an absolute arse I didn't call. Isn't that what always happens in the films? The bloke doesn't call and therefore walks in on something unpleasant? You'd think I'd know this.

Well, it's about 3 in the afternoon and I figure it would be no problem. Jordan's usually around because that's usually when he gives me a ring. Time difference, you realize. Morning's the best time to reach me. So, I go up to his apartment and ring the bell. Takes a while for him to answer. Should have been my first clue. When he finally does answer, he stutters for about 3 minutes before he buzzes me up. Again, I didn't catch on. Like a stupid ass, I happily knock on the door. Jordan answers shirtless. I jokingly comment him on his killer abs (a running joke with us flabby arses) and walk in. Sarah's sitting on the couch twirling her hair and shaking her foot. Obviously nervous signs. I knew them all too well. Then as she turns and sort of smiles at me, I notice she's wearing a Hives t-shirt. The one with a white explosion looking deal with "The Hives" in between, the one Jordan has worn out from wearing it so often. . .

Both of their hair are wet. There's wet towels on the floor of the bathroom whose door is partially closed.

All I could do was sit down and pretend to be an ignorant asshole who didn't care who Jordan was, who Sarah was and what the f*&% they were doing together. It killed me, it really did. I just didn't even want to think about it. I mean, God, who really gives a damn what they're doing on their own time? They're their own person! Who cares?

Obviously me.

Unfortunately.

God. . .I thought I'd gotten over this. I'm supposed to meet with them tomorrow for coffee. . . .what the hell should I do? Say?

Any of the above? Help would be great, because right now, I can't think of anything.

Cheers.

Currently Listening 9 By Damien Rice The Animals Were Gone see related

Well, I'm Back Again. . .

Woke up and for the first time the animals were gone
It's left this house empty now, not sure if I belong
Yesterday you asked me to write you a pleasant song
I'll do my best now, but you've been gone for so long

The window's open now and the winter settles in
We'll call it Christmas when the adverts begin
I love your depression and I love your double chin
I love 'most everything that you bring to this offering

Oh I know that I left you in places of despair
Oh I know that I love you, so please throw down your hair
At night I trip without you, and hope I don't wake up
'Cause waking up without you is like drinking from an empty cup

Woke up and for the first time the animals were gone
Our clocks are ticking now so before our time is gone
We could get a house and some boxes on the lawn
We could make babies and accidental songs

I know I've been a liar and I know I've been a fool
I hope we didn't break yet, but I'm glad we broke the rules
My cave is deep now, yet your light is shining through
I cover my eyes, still all I see is you

Oh I know that I left you in places of despair
Oh I know that I love you, so please throw down your hair
At night I trip without you, and hope I don't wake up
'Cause waking up without you is like drinking from an empty cup

**************************************************

Hullo friends,

Long time no write. I apologize once more for that, but it's good to find the time to write you all.
It's been a really long time. I hope all is well with you and you had a good holiday recently. I went to
a mate's for the holiday and it was fantastic. I do believe I've developed a new pension for turkey and
cranberries. Quite delicious really. Sounds horrid, but really, it's quite tasty. . . except of course when
you eat so much it makes you sick. I don't really recommend it.

Well, it's been about four months since I last wrote you. Lots can happen over that time. But I must admit
to you, that I'm more in love with Gilly than I ever was. Over these months, I've seen the strong, amazing
person she is. She has put up with me and my shit, my indecisive moments, my pigheaded nature, my
addictions, my loves, my losses, my despair, everything.

And she's still here.

That alone is unfathomable to me. I honestly can't believe how lucky I am to have her. I just
can't believe she's stuck around this long. That alone speaks to her character. She is my rock and my best friend. I can honestly say that I love her and could honestly see me spending the rest of my life with her.

There is still a part of me that loves Sarah, but there will always be a part of me that loves her. She was a part
of my life for two plus years. That's impossible to forget. We're finally on decent terms, she and I. She called me three weeks ago. We talked for about four hours about everything. Absolutely everything in the world. She admitted to me that she was fine on her own. I did the same. We both laughed, cried and talked some more. She's my darling, my wonderful friend and I'll always care for her. Jordan has been taking good care of her and they're actually living together in New York at the moment. Not as lovers, just as friends. I wonder if it could be more. Good on them if it happens. I'd want for nothing more than for both of them to be happy, especially if it's together.

Life is on track, my friends, much more than it has ever been.

Cheers to all of you mates. Keep your chins up.

Merry

P.S. My album recommendation is the above. Mellow, with anguish and happiness in turns. . . .it's got it all. Cheers Damien.